


Deluge

by kenzimone



Category: That '70s Show
Genre: Caught in the Rain, Episode: s05e13 Your Time Is Gonna Come, F/M, Fix-It, Flashbacks, Hyde Has Abandonment Issues, Making Up, Mother-Son Relationship, POV Alternating, Sappy Ending, backdated, imaginary conversations, written before the episode aired based entirely on the previews
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-01-15
Updated: 2003-02-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 19:52:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11111670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenzimone/pseuds/kenzimone
Summary: Leave, or be left. Hurt, or be hurt.





	1. Chapter 1

It was, strangely enough, his mother's voice he heard as he stormed across the driveway towards the El Camino.

_"People leave, Steven. That's what people do. They make you think they care, and then they leave."_

Her exact words, spoken to him as his father walked out the door. He never knew if they were meant for him or his father, but now they were resurfacing, coming forth from out of the deepest recesses of his mind, to remind him.

He never did care much for his mother. Or maybe he did – maybe that's why, while he was letting the whole world know that he couldn't care less, he was actually being torn apart from the inside. She never was much of a mother, drinking and smoking and slapping him around whenever she felt like it – but she was his mother, and a parent's unconditional love was something that he, as every other child, had always expected to be there. He hadn't seen it often, but sometimes he thought he could catch a glimpse of it – when his elementary school teacher called with the suggestion of putting him in a 'special' class for gifted children, or when he came bursting through the door at the age of five, announcing that his team had won the little league game. He liked to believe that she cared, that there were times when she didn't think he was a complete failure, that she actually felt proud of him.

Her words were still ringing through his ears, and he knew that they'd been there, subconsciously, all along. It was her lesson to him, an advice he'd followed his whole life.

_Leave, or be left. Hurt, or be hurt._

So he left, before anyone had a chance to leave him.. again. And maybe he hurt them in the process, but rather them than him, right? He had never had a girlfriend. What were the chances that a high school romance would last? One of them would eventually leave, and both of them would hurt. So, he left first, sparing himself the hurt, and hopefully, sparing her as well. He never looked back. It was the same with all the girls – leave before they hurt you.

His friends thought him something of a player, a guy who would nail a girl and then move on, no strings attached. They hadn't expected him and Jackie. They hadn't expected him to agree to a relationship, a commitment. But he had, and if she'd let him, he would have stayed by her side for as long as possible. Now, he was cursing himself. How could he have been stupid enough to think that she'd give up Kelso for _him_? He was nothing to her, he couldn't buy her stuff, his parents had vanished from the face of the earth.. If they, whose love for him was supposed to be unconditional, didn't want him, then who would?

The truth was, he'd been given an out. As soon as Eric and Donna had walked in on them, he had had an opportunity to get out, to leave. It had been a chance from God. But he had decided to stay. Why? He didn't know. Maybe it was because she'd told him she loved him? It didn't matter that it had been years ago, she had actually _told_ him that she loved him. Maybe it was because he thought that he'd be able to milk the situation a little more – stupid as he was.

Things started to get messy. In a moment of stupidity, he had agreed to tell Kelso. He found himself unable to, partly because, even though his friends would disagree, he had a conscious. Partly because if he did, he would be admitting that this wouldn't be a simple thing. It would turn into something bigger, something badder, something.. emotional. And now, looking back, he wished he would have taken the out. As good as it felt to actually have someone who gave a damn, it killed him when it was time to call it off.

_Leave, or be left. Hurt, or be hurt._

He had had his chance, and he hadn't taken it. Now she had left, and he had been hurt. Maybe it was karma, maybe 'you reap what you sow', but Steven Hyde knew one thing – he'd never let this happen to him again. And as he sat behind the wheel of his car, driving without knowing the destination, he thought back, and it briefly crossed his mind, the thought of if this was how his mother had felt, when her husband, the man who had promised her 'until death do us part', walked out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

All those eyes, all staring at her. Mouths dropped open in shock, and a silence which seemed to crush her. She couldn't breathe, her heart was beating so fast against her ribcage. And her words, echoing through out the silence.

_"Get off my boyfriend!"_

It was raining. It was suitable.

She let out a shaky breath, trying to will herself away. The faces were imprinted on her mind. They were faces of her friends, a former lover, a current lover, and a girl she hardly knew. It was all too much. Too much to be happening at one time.

She had ran. Light had flickered in front of her eyes, making her light headed, he heart pleading for release, her lungs screaming for air. And she'd ran. But the faces were still there, the eyes were still staring at her. His eyes had been the worst.

They thought him incapable of emotion, but she new better. Shock, hurt, fear, disbelief.. and worse, understanding. It had scared her. What was there to understand? How could he understand something she couldn't? This was the uttermost betrayal. This was the worst thing she could have done to him. And yet, she had done it.

Why? She didn't know. She had seen them together, and the world had stopped turning. Blonde, blue eyed, perfect body, perfect smile. Suddenly, the girl from California had embodied every one. Every girl he had ever kissed behind her back, every girl he'd looked at twice while she was standing right in front of him, every girl that he had, unceremoniously called, nailed.

It had been with her all the time – this huge black cloud, the knowledge that even though he was 'hers' he had still belonged to others as well. Her friends hadn't noticed, Steven hadn't made her talk. And as she saw him with the embodiment of all the sluts, his sluts, she had been transported. Transported back to when she found out about Eric's sister, Pam Macy, the girl on her cheerleading squad.. and she did what she should have done then – defended what was hers.

But it was too late. She had moved on, he wasn't hers any more, and she wasn't his. But the black cloud was still there, and ignoring the feelings of others she did what she should have done times passed. And then the black cloud was gone. But instead there were eyes staring back at her. Their eyes and _his_ eyes. And while she knew, deep in her heart, that what she had just said held no importance, that it was merely something that had to be said, he didn't. And then she'd run.

There was a puddle forming under her. Raindrops, or maybe tears, was slowly filling it. Was it fate that she be with Michael Kelso? Was her fate to be unhappy, to live in a dream world, thinking her other half was faithful but knowing otherwise? She had seen a different future with Steven. Perhaps she wouldn't be successful or well off, but she'd be _happy_. And, he had taught her that that was what really mattered after all.

The eyes were gone. Only one pair remained. Perhaps it was worse. Blue staring back at her, understanding. _Understanding?_ There was nothing to be understood. Not from him. Had she seen determination in those eyes, defiance, she would have hope. But she saw understanding and compliance. _Resignation_. And with that she knew that she had made the biggest mistake of her life, and that there was no way to undo it.


	3. Chapter 3

Dark, gray clouds rolling forth over a sullen blue sky. Being reflected into a equally sullen pair of blue eyes.

It was raining, but he didn't care. Seated on the hood of his car, he cared for nothing. It had happened again, and he'd stood there and let it. Had he had some backbone he would have spoken up, but he knew that wasn't the way it worked.

What did this make? Number three? Three people who were supposed to love you, who were supposed to care, and then, who just left. He knew she would still be there, physically, but she had told him everything he needed to know when she had called Kelso her boyfriend.

She had confirmed what he thought it would be from the start – a summer fling. What else was there to be expected from two teenagers spending their days together in boredom? Then, he had suddenly seen a glimpse of light, a chance that it would be more. And his head had told him to leave, to get out as quickly as possible, no strings attached. But he couldn't. For some unknown reason, he couldn't allow that to happen.

She was passionate about the things she loved, and he thought that perhaps he could fit in somewhere among those things? If it meant sharing place with shopping and unicorns, he would still think it worth it all. And it had been, for the short time they had been together it had been. But he knew it would end, he only didn't know how. Now he knew, and it hadn't ended on his terms.

Steven Hyde was not supposed to be happy, it seemed. He was supposed to wake up every day thinking 'if only's'. Somewhere fate had wrongly intervened and made him happy for a summer. But then it'd discovered its mistake, and corrected it. And Steven Hyde was once again miserable. As it was meant to be. As it would always be.

The raindrops wouldn't stop falling. Neither, it seemed, would her tears. The puddle was growing, the water way past her ankles. Her shoes were ruined, but she didn't move. Perhaps she thought she deserved this, perhaps this was her way of punishing herself. She didn't know. She didn't know anything anymore.

She had been debating with herself. Perhaps this was her subconscious way of telling her she was still in love with Michael. Perhaps.. she had thought it over, but she couldn't grasp it. The thought of her future with Michael Kelso wasn't clear. It was faded, and when she tried to grab it, it shied away from her.

Her future with Steven she could see, and the thought of it scared her. She would be poor, sitting in an apartment somewhere, pregnant with her second child while her first one wasn't out of diapers yet. But she would be happy. And the small flat would be filled with love and caring and..

He was gentle with her. Even back when she was still dating Michael, he was surprisingly gentle. Always saying things to get her miffed, but when she needed comfort, a shoulder to cry on, he would be there. _Always_. It had been often, she realized. Several times a month, she would come to him, and he would complain, and she would cry. And somehow he always managed to cheer her up.

This was only the second time she'd cried since Michael left. It was unusual for her to go such a long time without getting upset. Maybe it was because Michael hadn't been there.. She wondered what would happen now, when she couldn't run to Steven anymore. What would she do? What possible future-

She blinked, quickly wiping the tears from her eyes. No. Suddenly she understood. She hadn't ruined their future together, she had _made it possible_. The black cloud haunting her was gone, and the eyes were fading. Closure. It was over, her and Michael, it was finished. For a second she felt feather light, and the rain seemed to lighten as well.

And not caring that her coat would be ruined, or that her hair would be soaked, she set out to find love and happiness. And she just hoped she'd reach him in time.


	4. Chapter 4

The windshield wipers were zipping across the glass, their monotonous beating the only sound being heard in the car. The radio would have been on, had he known what to feel. A head banging rock song if he'd been angry, a slower song if he'd been devastated. In the present case, he didn't know which one to choose. Thus, the radio stayed turned off.

It was raining heavier than before, and he'd tossed his glasses into the backseat, now sitting peering out through the windshield trying to see through the rain. Turning on the headlights, he slowed down, not especially eager to run into something. He'd only been driving for two blocks when he saw her.

Standing by a tree, illuminated by one of his headlights, she made a miserable sight, drenched to the bone, shivering and desperately trying to duck for cover under the branches of the tree. It didn't help. The rain was furiously pounding the ground, the leaves not making much effort to stop the raindrops from pouring down on her.

He stopped the car, his body not obeying the commands his mind sent him. _'Drive past her!'_ it screamed, but he couldn't. The engine was still running, the windshield wipers still bobbing back and forth, and the beam of light still illuminating her.

He didn't know if she was ignoring him or not, because she hadn't moved since he'd laid eyes on her. Her hair was flat and dripping water, hanging down in her face as she stood, staring intently at the ground. Her pants were muddy, as were her shoes, and her jacket wasn't thick enough for this kind of weather. Hyde had never seen Jackie Burkhardt looking more wet, alone and.. dejected.

He nearly jumped as she moved, her head whipping up to stare directly into the headlight of the El Camino. It was as if she was looking straight at him, and while he knew she was probably blinded by the light, he still met her gaze, trying to grasp the smallest idea as to what was running through her head.

Then she straightened and turned towards him. He watched as Jackie slowly made her way towards his car.

. . .

_'One foot in front of the other.. Slowly, don't fall..'_

It felt like ages, an eternity, before she had taken her first step. The second one seemed twice as long, if that was possible. Step by step, each feeling like a lifetime, she slowly made her way towards the car.

_'Don't drive off, please, don't move, just stay there..'_

She didn't know if she was talking to Steven or the car. The light had blinded her, but she could still feel his blue eyes staring intently at her from behind it. Each rain drop hitting the pavement felt like a sledge hammer hitting her head, and she felt dizzy.

Another lifetime passed, and she was directly beside the car. Staring at the door handle, she slowly reached out a hand, water dripping from her fingertips, and enclosed it around the handle. The door swung open easily, a rush of warm air hitting her.

Silently she got inside, closing the door as quietly as she could after her. They sat in silence, she staring at her lap, feeling, seeing, the cold nip at her skin. He was staring straight ahead at where she'd been standing just minutes ago, his hands gripping the wheel so hard his knuckles were turning white.

A sudden honk of a horn was heard, and they both jumped. Hyde looked into the rearview mirror, seeing the car behind him blink its headlights. He realized they had been parked on the side for the street for fifteen minutes, blocking traffic.

Putting the car in 'drive' he pulled out and drove down the street, watching the car behind him pass the El Camino.

She didn't know what to do, her mind not helping, screaming the same word over and over at her.

_'Steven Steven Steven Steven Steven Steven Steven..'_

She had walked around for an hour, hoping to spot his car. It had started to rain. She had taken refuge under a large oak, and remained standing there. She hadn't found him. He'd found her.

He had always found her. Every time she was upset, he'd found her. But now she had hurt _him_ and there was no one there to tell her what to do. She was on her own, and it scared her. A few minutes ago she'd felt so sure of herself, but now it was all coming crashing down around her.

 _'Ultimate betrayal'_ her mind reminded her. _'Steven Steven Steven Steven Steven..'_

. . .

_Hurt her_

_'No'_

_She hurt you. Hurt her_

_'No, I-'_

_You hurt and she doesn't care. Hurt her_

_'I won't'_

_Hurt her_

Hyde blinked. He didn't know who he was talking to. Himself? Some inner conscience? No, a conscience wouldn't want him to hurt her. He wanted to look at her, try to calculate the situation, but he couldn't.

_You're an ass_

He blinked again. The same 'voice', but now it held an accusing tone, not persuasive as before.

_'What?'_

_This is how they all felt. You didn't care_

_'No, they-'_

_You left. Bastard_

He shook his head, banishing the voice. The parking lot of a supermarket was coming up on the right, and he turned in on it. He thought he could feel her glance at him, but he wasn't sure if he was imagining things or not. Pulling into a empty space in the deserted parking lot he shut of the engine, it's soft purr dying out along with the windshield wipers' beating, the only sound now heard being the rain pelting the roof. And Jackie's soft weeping.

He was startled, he hadn't realized she was crying.

_She's hurting as much as you are_

_'Wha-'_

_There's still time to make everything alright_

_Hyde frowned._

_'I'm going insane'_

_Why do you always have to have things your way?_

_'I'm hearing things'_

_She loves you_

Hyde's head snapped up, his eyes resting on the girl beside him. Two different voices had spoken at the same time.

"What did you say?"

"I- I love you." She began to shake, "I love you so much, but I did a horrible thing and I don't know how to make it alright again, even though I know that I needed to-"

"Jackie.." he was genuinely worried now, not liking the way she was shaking.

_She's hurting now_

_'I hurt too'_

_You deserve it. She's hurting_

_'We're both-'_

**_Bastard_ **

Hyde's breath caught in his throat as his mother's voice echoed thorough his head.

. . .

Jackie couldn't breathe.

" _Jackie.._ " she heard, from what seemed far away. Then there was silence. She didn't want silence, she wanted to hear the voice again. She tried to calm down, to take some deep breaths. It seemed to work.

_'Steven Steven Steven Steven Steven Steven Steven Steven..'_

He was staring out trough the window, his brow furrowed.

"I love you," she choked out, still shaking somewhat. The pitiful whine was enough to grab his attention. "We need each other, you were supposed to take care of me and I know I said-"

"Jackie.." He sounded tired, resigned.

"It's finished, Steven, it's over. Michael is not here anymore. This isn't a three person relationship any longer.." She raised a shaking hand and touched his hair. "It's- it's just you and me now."

" _-just you and me now._ "

He shook his head. "No, you said-"

She grasped after his hand, and for some reason he couldn't make himself shake her off.

"It was like going back, Steven, before you and me.." large brown eyes begged him to believe her. "I defended my rights, and then suddenly, I was back in the basement, and everyone was staring, and you-" she began to cry again. "We have a future together, we do, and you- I love you.."

He couldn't take it any longer, and reached over and pulled her onto his lap. She threw her arms around his neck, a hiccuping, crying, shacking mess. Thinking back, he couldn't remember ever seeing her so undignified.

She was nuzzling his neck, breathing in his scent, and he was stroking her back, feeling the cold cloth of her jacket under his hand. Suddenly she pushed away from his shoulder, sitting up and facing him. He stroke a wet lock of hair away from her eyes, as she stared intently at him.

"I love you," she whispered, slowly leaning closer, her eyes half closed. Their lips met in a soft, timid kiss, unlike any other they'd shared before. He could feel her cold fingers gently stroking his cheek, and he grasped them in his hand, trying to make them warmer.

They slowly pulled apart, Jackie giving him a tearful smile before laying her head down on his chest, once again nuzzling his neck.

"We're gonna be okay?" she whispered.

Hyde sighed and stroked her fingers with his thumb. Turning and kissing her temple, he replied, "Yeah, we're gonna be okay."

. . .

She settled comfortably in his lap, and he could soon feel her breaths coming with a slow, steady rhythm. It was still raining as much as earlier, but this was the first time he'd thought of the splatter of rain drops as calming, or the darkness surrounding the car as cozy.

Sitting there, he almost wished that the moment would last forever, although he knew it wouldn't. Time didn't care about his wishes, it would move on regardless. One thing he knew for sure, though, was that he'd never leave her. No one deserved to be left. He'd do his best to stay by her, as a boyfriend – a husband too, for that matter, he thought venomously – should stand by the one he-

He blinked, as before his mind's eye, another memory he'd long forgotten made itself known once again.

_His mother had long since stopped pretending to be washing the dishes. She was now silently standing at the kitchen sink, hands submerged in the dishwater, staring out through the window. He could see her shoulders shaking slightly, but he didn't know if it was because she was cold or if perhaps she was crying._

_He was sitting at the kitchen table, trying to finish his homework. She had been quite mad the last time he hadn't done it. A shiver ran through him, and he tugged at the hem of the sweater he was wearing. They hadn't been able to pay the bill for the heat that month - they rarely could since his father had left. She had told him that she was going to get a better job, but he didn't hold her to it._

_The sound of rubber gloves being pulled off and thrown at the window screen and a soft 'Screw this' made him return his attention to his homework. He was surprised when he in the corner of his eye saw his mother turn and felt her eyes upon him. Normally she would pretend he wasn't there, but now she walked up to the table and sat down opposite him._

_"Steven.."_

_He looked up at her and blinked, waiting for her to continue._

_"Look, Steven, I know I'm a lousy mother," a sigh. "But I need you to promise me something."_

_He nodded, always ready to please her._

_"When you grow up, when you get married and have kids, I want you to promise me that you'll never leave her." She was staring intently at him, and the words were spoken unusually softly for Edna Hyde._

_He frowned, "Leave who?"_

_"Whoever it is that you're married to."_

_"I'm not gonna get married, girls are-" The look she sent him silenced him._

_"This is important, Steven." Her voice was once again it's sharp and cutting self._

_"Yes ma'am."_

_"Promise me that even if you don't love her, you'll stay by her side. For the sake of the children, or for her. Do you understand?"_

_He didn't, but was sure to nod his head either way._

_"Don't leave her alone. Hopefully you will find someone who loves you, and you won't leave her because you love her." She reached for her purse and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it with a shaking hand. Taking a drag and then exhaling a column of smoke, she looked at him again. "Say it with me – 'You stay by her no matter what, you won't leave her because you love her.'"_

_He looked down at the surface of the table, mumbling along with her._

_She made a sound much like a growl and stood, walking over to the kitchen cabinets. Looking for beer, no doubt. Plucking a bottle from a shelf and slamming the cabinet shut, she whirled around and pointed her cigarette at him._

_"Can't you do this one thing for me? You're so much like your father, he could never agree with me, could never do anything for me," she scoffed, her hand with the cigarette shaking slightly._

_He lowered his eyes, feeling somewhat ashamed. Calming down, she placed the beer on the table and sank down in the chair, avoiding looking at him. He silently went back to doing his homework as Edna pulled her old cardigan tighter around her, shivering slightly in the cold._

"'I won't leave her because love her'.." Hyde whispered, looking down at his and Jackie's clasped hands. "'I love her'?"

He had never been much for declaring his feelings openly, as she always did. It was his upbringing, he supposed. He tried to remember if he'd ever said the three little words to anyone. He couldn't-

He was suddenly struck by a realization. She had just told him that she loved him, not more than a few minutes ago. She had said 'I love you', but he had been too worked up on what had been played out back at Foreman's to let it sink in.

_'She loves me?'_

This was it. This was his cue to leave. But he couldn't do that, could he? He couldn't leave this time.

_What now?_

_'I.. I don't know'_

_'Leave or be left?' Do you think she'll leave? Do you really think she'd do that?_

He looked down at the girl curled up in his lap.

_'I don't know'_

_Not everyone leaves_

_'They do. They do leave'_

_No. Some stay. The good ones stay._

_'I don't want to leave'_

_Then stay_

_'I.. I will'_

The voice didn't answer, and he didn't expect it to. The rain hitting the roof of the car was once again the only sound being heard.

He was going to stay. He had never stayed before. Staying involved feelings, feelings he- feelings he must have, right? Because if he was staying, there must be a reason.

_"'I won't leave her because love her'.."_

_'Do I? Do I love her?'_

He didn't know. But if he was staying, meaning not leaving, and his mother, heaven forbid, was right while blabbering about not leaving, then he had to love Jackie, right?

Loving Jackie Burkhardt was something he'd never expected himself to do. Not even after they shared their first – no wait, _second_ – kiss on the couch that day had he ever expected it to turn out this way.

But here he was, and he did. He did love her. He had finally admitted it to himself. He loved Jackie Burkhardt.

_There's one more person who'd like to hear that_

As on cue, Jackie stirred in his arms. Hyde held his breath waiting for her to wake up, but she didn't.

_She deserves to hear it_

_'I don't want to wake her'_

_Then don't_

_'Fine'_

"I love you."

He wasn't sure if she'd heard it. She probably hadn't. But, the fact that he'd said it spoke for itself, right? Right. If nothing else, it was a first step.

And it hadn't felt bad. Not like he had expected it to. Well, he hadn't expected it to be bad, really, but he had expected him ever saying those words would involve beer – or something stronger, a secret stash, and two or more hot chicks. Blondes, preferably.

Instead, he was sitting in a car in the rain in the middle of the night, saying them to a sleeping, drenched brunette with mascara running all over her face. He smiled. He was pretty sure she was drooling, too. It was better than he'd expected.

Gently easing Jackie off his lap and into the passenger seat, he reached for the keys, starting the car. The day had started off bad, then gone really bad, then perhaps even worse, but it was turning around now. Yeah, they were going to be okay.


End file.
